“And as I watch your chest rise and fall,
my hands tremble at the miracle of life I am witness to every single day.I have both raged at God and fallen before Him in thanksgiving in the midst of this journey
and my love for you has taught me that faith is undefinable,
that love is the cornerstone in all the great mysteries of this life.
I do not have any more answers than when we began…”~Kayla Aimee, www.kaylaaimee.com, From A Letter to My Daughter
hen I first read this quite that Cynthia picked, I immediately thought of my daughter, Jessica Joy. Though I could not have written it so eloquently, the words above could be my own.
Yesterday Jessica had her cardiology appointment, which she has every six months. If you are knew to my blog, briefly, she was born with numerous heart defects and had her first two open heart surgeries when she was 13 months old, spending 11 weeks in ICU, many of those weeks near heaven’s doors. Then, in December of 2008 she “just happened” to be at the hospital for an unrelated doctor’s appointment when she went into heart failure, requiring emergency open heart surgery to save her life. And the miracle of this I am still in awe of, memories I will never forget or want to!
Yesterday while at the cardiologist’s office, I watched once again, as the technician did an echocardiogram of her heart – an ultrasound, scanning all the movements and parts of her heart which is so different than most. And I marvelled again. I rejoiced when the cardiologist told us her heart looks wonderful – that all the numbers are perfect and they are so pleased with her growth. And I rejoiced and thanked our Father, again.
The bitter-sweet memories are close, tucked away in my heart when she was that little baby girl, handing her over for surgery, and then sitting for weeks by her bedside, indeed, watching her scared, stitched chest rise, pleading for God to keep it rising and falling. And I questioned God many times, why . . . . why does such a little girl have to go through this? And then, after we brought her home and took her in for a post-op check-up, it was while I was in that office, right next to the hospital, that I hemmorhaged with our 8th child and our little Angela Hope went from my womb to heaven. Yet, had I not taken Jessica to that appointment, I would not have lived. And I still am in awe of God’s timing and love to save my life, and bless me with four healthy living children afterwards.
I still don’t understand why Jessica had to be born with the heart defects, which in years to come she will have more surgeries. I hate to see the pain she has gone through and will, including spinal abnormalities as well. But I see a girl who loves Jesus, who just shared Life Books with several neighbors, one telling her today, “You know you are a miracle, Jessica!” I see her sensitivity towards others that are disabled. Her faith has helped my faith. I see a miracle when she rides her bike up and down the driveway with no heart pains, or runs across the yard with a kite flying high above her, and she is not breathless as before. I hear a miracle when the room is real quiet, and I hear her mitral valve clicking in her heart.
No, I don’t have any more answers than when we first began this journey with her, though I see some of memory puzzle pieces of a unique gifted life God is using for His glory and I am thankful Jessica is following Him. I am so thankful to witness this miracle (along with the precious gifts of my other children as well).
God is always good.
Join with the others on writing on this quote.