Posted in Family

Faith Jam: Not totally Fearless ~ But Heart Healing Moments

Fearless ~ A Heart Healing Moment

I misread the e-mail on what this weeks’ topic was – I started writing on last weeks (A Heart Healing Moment) and then realized I had wrong date.  I was able to work this week’s topic “fearless” into it.  This was quite a milestone these past few days . . . and wanted to share . . . 


am in awe again, as God perfectly orchestrated a revealing and memories in our home these past couple of days in a way I could never have planned or really wanted to do, yet He has shown me His timing is more than perfect and He was orchestrating a heart healing moment.

A couple of days ago just after nine in the evening as I was doing laundry, one of the kids ran to me and told me a policeman was at our door.  A sharp pain hit my heart.  Two of my kids were out on the road.  Immediately I was silently pleading, “Oh God no . . . not again, please God no.” To say I was fearless was certainly not true. My husband was in the back garage working, and I was to take the news.  The first words I said to the officer were, “Please don’t tell me something happened to one of my children.”  He was taken aback by my greeting, but assured me right away, no.  He was visiting because there had been a breaking and entering nearby and he wanted to know if we had seen anything suspicious.   One of my older daughters whose heart was so scared by her older brother’s death seven years ago, collapsed at the couch and cried . . . I am sure of both relief and memories.  There were many police in our home that day. Our younger children did not quite understand her reaction.  We just comforted all the kids, and let it go.  Little did I know how God was preparing us for a heart healing moment.

The next morning, probably because of talking some about Matthew, a photo album was taken out.  Jessica shared with her younger sisters how he drew pictures for her and sat with her in the hospital.  They talked about their oldest brother who helped me a lot, even giving Jessica her medications when I was so sick with a pregnancy.  There were good memories shared among the siblings that morning.  God was continuing to prepare a heart healing moment.

Later that day, we decided to do some spring cleaning.  I have boxes of baby clothes and our younger ones have wanted to go through it and see what we have.  It was time to narrow down about six boxes into one.  Then we came across a big box of completed homeschool books.  I knew I’d find finished books from Matthew.  I was fearless of that.  It’s always nice to see his writing and little notes.  It did not sting.  It was sweetness for me.  The younger girls found a notebook from one of our older boys of various stories he wrote.  They laughed through one story of how Matthew made cookies and used baking powder instead of powdered sugar and the description of the look on my face after I took a bite and spit it out!  Little did I realize there was another story in the notebook.  God was preparing for a heart healing moment.

Shortly after dinner Tuesday night, our 12 year old came to me with tears pooling in her eyes and whispered, “Mama, I didn’t know how Matthew died” and she went into sobs.  I quickly took her down to my bedroom and we talked.  I won’t write the details here of Matthew’s death from the choking game.  But one brother found him, another tried to help him including calling 911; I gave him CPR.  She just did not know the extent of the details and her heart was broken as though it first happened.  She even questioned why we didn’t tell her.  I explained to her she was only five when it happened, and we would not want her youngest brother, also five, to know the details now.  She understood.  Yet, her heart still ached and she hurt so much for her older brothers and all they had to go through – what they saw ~ what they did, even a brother running almost a mile to get his oldest brother from work.  She told me things she remembered from that day, including seeing Matthew being put in the ambulance as she watched from the neighbor’s house.  She understood why her older sister was not fearless the night before.  I then found out the next youngest daughter (11) also had read the accounting and so she joined us.  If I had not questioned her, she would have kept it all bottled up and not talked about it.  She too released, and broke down, and questioned.  There were many heart healing moments taking place.

We prayed together.  We talked how God put the puzzle pieces together over the last few days to prepare their hearts and for them to understand.  Numerous times each of them thanked me for talking with them and telling me about Matthew.  After a good hour or two, God’s peace was seeping in, joy flickered in their eyes again, and we could rejoice that Matthew is in heaven, despite the stupid thing he did.

Are we fearless?  No! It’s something God is working on me and I know at least one of my older daughters, when that panic and fear grips and we imagine the worst and fear losing another child/sibling.  Yet, I am in awe of God’s precious guarding and helping me as a parent to discuss that horrible day with my girls and I did not have to do it alone.  He made the path for us allowing for an amazing heart healing moment.

(So my signature ~ “to God be the glory“)

PS ~ Little did I know when I wrote the above, I would get a phone call from my one of my birth brothers that my birth father passed away very unexpectedly yesterday morning.  I am thankful I was able to meet my birth parents, and thank them for life and again making heart healing moments.  Please be in prayer for my birth family as they walk through this deep grief.



Beloved KEPT Child of Jesus stumbling by faith ~ Married 30 years ~ Blessed Mama of 10 beside me & 2 at Jesus' feet ~ "Retired" homeschool mama of 22 years ~ Writer * Blogger * Reviewer ~

4 thoughts on “Faith Jam: Not totally Fearless ~ But Heart Healing Moments

  1. This week has been one of those less than fearless weeks. I allowed the enemy instill fear in me and it is a battle to get out of it. May God continue to give you those healing moments and glimpses of HIS GLORY!!! Praying for you and your birth family.

  2. Very touching, thank you for opening up and sharing such a personal experience. You and your family will be in my prayers tonight. God bless.

    By the way, God lead me to post today on breaking through fear. You might want to check it out. He laid it on my heart last night to write it- I don’t normally post on Thursday’s maybe it was for you that I was to write it.

  3. This is so beautiful. Only eyes and hearts that are focused on Him would have found glory in this tapestry of minutes.
    Thank you for who you are Loni and how you are raising these children. I feel truly blessed to have read this. You are such an inspiration to me.
    Hugging you in spirit across the miles.

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