Posted in Baby, Family, Five Minute Friday, Meme

Five Minute Friday: VIVID Memories of Her Brief Life

VIVID!

start . . . 

I

have few memories of her, but I have special,  vivid memories I hold on to.  I remember the first time I heard her heartbeat.  I remember various dresses I wore while I was pregnant with her.  And I remember the ultrasound that told us she was perfect and she was heart healthy.  I vividly remember wishing one day I had more time to take care of my daughter who just had surgeries before our new little one was born, and the next day she was born, but in such silence.

 I vividly remember the contractions as I drove my daughter to a post-op check-up with a frend while we had sick kids at home.  It’s still vivid, these 14 years later, in the doctors office, thinking my water broke, to find out I was hemorrhaging.  I vividly remember the peace.  There was not fear.  It did not cross my mind my baby was already in heaven.  And when they placed the scanner on my belly and could not find a heartbeat and softly told me she was gone, the peace stayed and I comforted my friend.  I remember the doctors telling me my life was in danger and they wanted my husband there as soon as possible.  My in-laws got there before my husband, and I vividly remember my mother-in-law’s shock and “oh no” when I told her the news.  And I remember things starting to fade as I went in and out of a fog and my blood pressure was bottoming out and they were pumping me full of fluids and hoping for my husband’s quick arrival.  When he finally came in the room, he  was put in immediate shock and I  was whisked away for an emergency c-section to save my life.  Before I left, I remember vividly asking my mom-in-law, “what if I don’t make it” and she told me “you have to . . . . you will.”  It’s still vivid leaving my husband who stood and stared at me, not knowing what to do and say, and we told each other that we love each other.

And it seemed minutes later I was woken up, and before I could even open my eyes I asked if she was really gone.  It probably was a last hope they just missed her heartbeat.  They told me I had a girl, she was beautiful and yes, she was gone.  I asked to see her, hold her, and soon, Angela Hope was placed in my arms.  A few weeks later the funeral home gave me her clothes she wore, including a little hat.  It was not vivid in my mind when she was handed to me, I whipped it off, and said “she doesn’t need to keep her head warm.”  I was in critical condition from all the blood I lost and the doctor stayed by my side for hours after the surgery in case he had to go back and do a hysterectomy.  When I asked this doctor whom I had never met before if I could have more children, I vividly remember him telling me “God will fill your quiver”.

The memories of holding her in the hospital are not all vivid.  But our funeral director/friend told us later to MAKE MEMORIES since they are limited and so we did, holding her, counting her toes, and taking pictures.  I vividly remember the smell of her make-up on me. I have a little bottle of it in my dresser and I still “smell her” some days.

And I vividly remember the long line of cars following behind us as we drove her little body to the cemetery, and thinking, she was born on the 25th anniversary date of Roe vs  Wade and so many innocent lives thrown away, but all these dear ones are remembering this precious brief life on earth they never knew and how we need to also remember the little ones who went to heaven with no celebration of life.  

Someday my knowing her will not fade anymore and in heaven she will be brilliantly vivid as she stands next to Jesus and her big brother, Matthew.  I look forward to that . . .

(yes, I lost track of time . . . and doubled my five minutes . . . )

This Sunday is Sanctity of Life Sunday . . . the 39th anniversary of Roe vs Wade. In the USA over 50 MILLION babies have been killed by abortion.  As we remember these precious life gifts heaven holds, I also remember the moms who have empty arms, and long for the baby in their arms that Jesus holds.  

Joining Gypsy Mama and her Five Minute Friday.

Author:

Beloved KEPT Child of Jesus stumbling by faith ~ Married 30 years ~ Blessed Mama of 10 beside me & 2 at Jesus' feet ~ "Retired" homeschool mama of 22 years ~ Writer * Blogger * Reviewer ~

11 thoughts on “Five Minute Friday: VIVID Memories of Her Brief Life

  1. Oh my, thank you for your words…your beautiful raw and moving words. I’m giving thanks for them and for the healing that has enabled you to even type them here. And while the memories are vivid, I pray His peace over you and your grieving heart. As a nurse I am privileged to share in these moments with women like you, and it is a humbling and holy experience every time. May God bless you and your sweet reunion with your daughter someday!

  2. Oh Loni…being so close to term myself I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. You certainly have a beautiful way of expressing your heart through writing. May God be with you in a special way as you walk through these memories.. ((hugs))

  3. I am a blubbering fool right now. I love you Loni and for the truths you share. It’s such a heart wrenching journey to travel, but you have trudged through letting God lead the way. Thank you for your godly example! Sending hugs your way and praying for continued peace!

    1. Hannah you are one of my dearest friends, and you also gave me a gift I will never be able to give back or outdo, and that is holding your little baby and saying good-bye to him with you. I’ve been jealous of others who had that . . . and you helped fill in the gap between here and heaven. You are an amazing, strong woman!

  4. Loni, she is a beautiful jewel. God has a plan and purpose. Sometimes we can only go on in blind faith trusting the One who loves us beyond measure. The pain never goes away. Everything changes forever, but God is always good, isn’t he?:)

    1. I know you know that Barb – and indeed we’ve had to learn to allow God to lead through several “new normals”. But there is joy in the morning, and life that we certainly do not take for granted.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s