“When we are going through desperate, difficult times, the hardest thing can be hearing the voices of condemnation, rejection, and shame from others. The Enemy – the accuser of our brothers – loves to use people to kick us in the stomach when we’re down. The Enemy loves to use our sin to condemn us rather than allow us to hear the conviction of the Holy Spirit . . . Jesus silences the condemning voices and commands them to leave. Listen to the kindness in His voice as He says in
By Beth Redman
God Knows My Name:
Never Forgotten, Forever Loved
his past month God has so uniquely shown His love when I was at some major lows, getting stomped on for what is my conviction. My conviction hasn’t changed, but God showed me He is still the Giver and Taker of life and sometimes it happens in different ways rather than actual life and death.
We have a dozen children, ten still living with us and two at Jesus feet. We have allowed God to be our Birth Controller through most of our marriage. I thought we would not have any more after our youngest daughter, but then our 16 year old son went unexpectedly to heaven and a few years later, still during some dark times, I found out I was pregnant. How did that happen?? (Really, I know!) It was a difficult pregnancy; sick most of the time and dealing with high blood pressure. I was in and out of the hospital and spent the last week in the hospital before he was born because of the high blood pressure. He was born a month early because of the high blood pressure and me being high risk after having had a placenta abruption and losing that baby. This was my 5th c-section. Normally it takes a OB surgeon about 10 minutes to get to a baby when it’s non-emergent. Because of all the scar tissue, it took almost 45 minutes of a delicate surgery. He arrived safely and is now our delightful, spoiled three year old. I cannot imagine our home without this little charmer!
Before he was born my husband and I talked and prayed about my having my tubes tied. It was not an easy decision. It went against everything of letting God plan our family. Was it a lack of trust that He could not take care of me? It came down to knowing God wants us to take care of our children we have so been blessed with . . . and further pregnancies could endanger both me and another child. We decided to, and during the c-section the doctor told me she was thankful for our decision, as another pregnancy would be very high risk.
God gave me a peace then . . . but the Enemy sneeks in, making me doubt our decision. I had several tell me that I would deal with much heavier monthly cycles and I read on it and knew it was a possibility. Uggg . . . it became very true. I was getting very worn and weary. In the spring I had a NovaSure ablation done to hopefully help this situation. It didn’t. It made things worse – a lot worse. And I listened to the Enemy . . . I shouldn’t have had my tubes tied. I mustn’t have trusted God.
Almost three weeks ago I had a hysterectomy. I went back and forth on this for many months, but finally decided I have to be able to enjoy the life God has given me and I have so much required of me yet with children still at home, and homeschooling six of them. I’ve so much to look forward to, especially with the first delight of our oldest son getting married next year. Just days before I had my surgery a friend I’ve known for many years who also has a large family questioned my doing this, even suggesting my getting my tubes untied, maybe that is how God would heal me. I could repeat the whole thing, but it blew me away, and I was in a panic state. WHAT AM I DOING? In talking to the PA in the doc’s office, there was no way I could get my tubes untied, and it was dangerous and there are no Scriptures to back up to keep having babies if it means the death of mom and/or baby. I have another dear friend who had many miscarriages, as many as 20 along with a dozen living children and after their last one was born, their older children begged their parents to do something to prevent losing their mom.
I had the surgery. It was three hours long, done just like another c-section. I had a peace that morning. I was given the option of taking a medication to calm me down before I got there. I did not need it. Afterwards I was told that my uterus was growing into my bladder and was very adhered to it, which was the longest part of the surgery, detaching it. Had I let this go in a matter of a few years I could have had serious bladder complications. I was also told later of problems that were detected with my uterus that would have caused serious problems had I gotten pregnant. God gave me such a peace to show me, and I was not going against Him. He was all a part of this . . . and helped protect my body in more ways than I expected.
Several asked me if after the hysterectomy I felt a sadness. I really did not. I’ve had such a peace with God and I know my child bearing years are over, and I am fine with that. Satan did not win! I am SO SO blessed with the children God has loaned to me. I realize how personal a decision this is. For some such a decision because of health reasons can come after just a couple of children. God’s quiverful for each family is different. How can I be disappointed with a dozen?
But, I know I’ve been judged BOTH ways . . . and I know God has wrapped His arms around me through this and showed me HE is in control and allowed things with my body to protect me. He knew all the details. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I am thankful He silenced the condemning voices.
I apologize for the length of this. It’s just been close to my heart these past few weeks. I am healing well and am looking forward to this new season of my life . . . maybe grandchildren in the next few years?!?!?!
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